Jello Pound Cake

Good Tuesday morning!

YES! Austin is home! He had a wonderful time and was very tired, but happy. It's just so good to have everyone in the same state again. I've added some of his pictures in the Gallery for your perusal. He did pretty good. Between him and my "helpers," I have 14 good pictures.

Roxie and Mike dined at Bonefish Grill and thoroughly enjoyed their time together. She was a vision in winter white and pink, and I let her wear a little mascara for the special occasion so her eyes would "pop." Those pictures have been added, also.

We watched Amazing Race Sunday night and Jon & Kate and 24 on Monday night, but as I stated last Friday, all of my thoughts on the shows we watch will be shared on Friday from now on. I know you can't wait!

Now, on to the next part of Josh's Journey.

Josh's Story - Part Two

This is where Josh's story gets more difficult. I decided to put some of it in number form just to make it less voluminous (good word) and readable, but bear with me. Our "folder" we started when Josh first became sick is several inches thick with information, e-mails, meeting notes, etc. This does not include his file on our computer which we have not printed and put in the file yet. It is, in a word, overwhelming.

Today, as I thought about what I wanted to share, I had at the top of my list to explain exactly what OCD is and the many ways it manifests itself. There are many, many people with Obsessive Compulsive tendencies (myself included), but what makes those people different from Josh is they are functioning. Josh stopped functioning. Some of the things you can have along with OCD are as follows:

1. Washing
2. Counting
3. Checking
4. Generalized Anxiety Disorder
5. Scrupulosity
6. Tic Disorders
7. Depression
8. Rituals

OCD is a real illness... just like epilepsy or asthma or diabetes or any other chronic illness. It just doesn't "show" like other illnesses. There is a specific part of the brain where chemicals are not connecting with other chemicals... like a short-circuit. A little over 50 years ago, some patients with severe OCD were treated with lobotomies with disastrous results. If you saw someone having a seizure or an asthma attack or fainting from lack of insulin in their body, you would immediately want to offer assistance. Not so with OCD. Because it has to do with mental health, there is a very real stigma attached to the illness. (DISCLAIMER: Please remember what I wrote yesterday. I do not categorize OCD with life-threatening illnesses in any way, shape or form. However, the illnesses I mentioned above as examples are used because they are not going to go away and have to be treated with medication during an entire lifetime in many cases. They are "chronic," as is OCD.)

Also, while it is socially acceptable for a diabetic to be treated with medication to "balance" their blood sugar, medications for mental illnesses are sometimes thought to be optional. In our case, we had no option. We just had to find the right "balance" of medications which would work.

Josh is a washer. He checks on occasion, and could at some point in his life become a checker, but as of this date, he has never checked obsessively. (I will be reading this post to Josh, because I don't want to put any "thoughts" into his brain regarding checking.) He has severe anxiety and scrupulosity. Scrupulosity is where the doubts regarding his salvation come into play. One of the reasons OCD is such an awful illness is because when highly intelligent, logical people suffer from the illness, they know their thoughts and actions are bizarre and illogical. It is maddening. For three years, Josh has had no peace about where he will spend eternity. No amount of praying and no amount of Bible reading and no amount of attending church gives him any peace regarding this issue. At night, when everything gets quiet, it torments him as he can think of nothing else. For this reason, he exercises all the time. He runs, shoots baskets, does push ups, sit ups and runs some more. Anything to make him tired enough to naturally doze off and go to sleep.

You can have one or a combination of the things listed above with different degrees of severity.

The eight things mentioned above do not list the obsessions you have with OCD. These vary from person to person. People with OCD are like snowflakes... no two are the same. Josh has been obsessed with many things over the past three years, but the constants have remained the same... tornadoes, school shooters, football, other sports, card collecting. You would probably tell me now if we were talking, "Everyone is afraid of tornadoes and school shooters. And most people have hobbies they enjoy like football and card collecting." This is just so much more. It is 24/7. It never stops. There is no joy in the "hobbies," and the fear of tornadoes and shooters is unrealistic and comes down to being sheer terror.

Something else we learned very quickly regarding OCD is how in one day an obsession can suddenly disappear and be replaced with a new one. Josh would play football non-stop for weeks. Then, on a Wednesday, he would put the football down and pick up a basketball. He "would not be able to touch" a football until the basketball obsession ended. It would end just as quickly as the one before it, and we would be on to another obsession. Skateboarding, soccer, running, baseball, etc. The list could go on and on and on.

As Josh's condition worsened after we met with the psychiatrist, the only way he would finish going to school is if I sat in the van beside the 6th grade building. The school worked with us during this time allowing him to get his assignments or take his tests and then check out. During the last two weeks of school before the Christmas break, he continued to make As on all of his work. We were relieved when the break came because we thought the 20 days we were out of school would be enough time to see some improvement with the medications. We were wrong.

Looking back, we believe the medication (which worked for so many others) had the opposite effect on Josh and made his OCD and other symptoms much, much worse. He couldn't eat with the family. He couldn't watch TV or play games. He couldn't read a book. He cried and screamed out constantly, holding his head because of the thoughts he would have. He prayed out loud without stopping for hours asking for forgiveness for things he had not done. He would say "Amen" at the end of a prayer up to 15 times until he "felt like he had gotten it right," each time louder than the last.

This was also the time when we couldn't touch him. I was washing nine or ten loads of laundry a day... comforters, sheets, shower curtains, bath rugs, Austin and Roxie's clothes if he thought he had brushed up beside them, my clothes, Mike's clothes. He would change clothes multiple times a day. He would lay in bed at night moaning and crying, and Mike and I would not be able to touch him, hold him or comfort him because it made everything so much worse.

He would stay in the bathroom washing for two to three hours "until he felt clean." He never felt clean. His hands and fingers would bleed.

Every day, instead of getting a little better, it got much, much worse. We stayed in contact with our new psychiatrist who continued to tell us it would take a while.

During this time, I was sleeping on a twin bed in Josh's room during the week and Mike on the weekends.

Austin and Roxie were aware and present for all the things happening to Josh. I've received several kind "criticisms" from time to time for "putting them through the beginnings of Josh's illness," and I have struggled with the effects it had on both of them. But through it all, the four of us (Mike, Austin, Roxie and me) were the ones who knew best what to do for Joshua. We worked as a team. We pulled together and it made us a stronger family. I now realize it could have had the opposite effect and totally torn us apart, but as I said yesterday, God wasn't surprised about any of this. Austin, Josh and Roxie are our children for a reason. It was no accident or mistake they are our children and each other's siblings.

There were many times Austin would get a book and sit on the floor outside the bathroom while Josh washed for one or two hours to let me sleep on the living room couch for a few minutes. (Always his suggestion.) Roxie knew at any given time where Josh was and what he was doing. We were surviving, trying to wait for the medicine to make the illness better. We were not thinking of ways we could improve our situation, and our doctor wasn't suggesting anything.

The worst night of his illness came on suddenly. We heard screaming in his room and ran upstairs to find him writhing on his bed with his eyes closed and holding his head. Mike ran immediately to get the phone and call the doctor because we had never seen him act in this manner before.

I held him as tightly as I could, but he didn't know I was there. Finally, we were able to understand what he was screaming over and over. "I'm dying. I'm dying." As suddenly as it started, it stopped, and with eyes that had no sign of Joshua in them he looked at me and said, "It's over. I'm dead." He lay very still, closed his eyes and slept. We now believe this incident was hallucinations caused from the medication... not a part of his OCD.

Mike had talked to the doctor who told us to immediately take him off the medication. (We later learned you never take someone off the medication completely. You have to wean them off.) As the night wore on, Josh would wake up moaning again and again, highly agitated. We called my mom and sister. My sister took Austin and Roxie home with her, and Mom stayed in case we had to take him to the hospital.

We were fighting this as hard as we could. Taking him to the Children's Hospital Psychiatric Ward would separate him from us. We would only be allowed to see him at designated times. Mike and I both felt separating from him as sick as he was would do much more damage. We tried calling our doctor three or four more times, but he failed to return our calls. We didn't know what to do.

Mike slept in the living room. I slept in Josh's room and Mom slept in Austin's room. Early, early morning while it was still dark outside, I finally knew. I got up and met Mike in the hallway coming to me. "I know what we have to do," I told him.

"I do, too," he replied.

We were of the same mind... exactly. This was just one of the many, many times God carried us through this journey we had not chosen.

Tomorrow, I'll tell you the next part of our story which to me now is truly amazing. Unfortunately, it shows once again how I fight and try to do things my way... but when I let go and let God handle a situation, things finally fall into place. If I had to name my story for tomorrow, it would have to be "My Angels, Jenny and Laura."

I wish I could say that by the time you finish tomorrow's story, things will be getting better, but again, we haven't been through the worse part yet.

It seems strange to leave the story in this way... but it's time to BAKE!

Jello Pound Cake

You will need:

1 package yellow cake mix
1 package lemon Jello (or strawberry, orange, cherry, etc.)
3/4 cup oil
3/4 cup water
4 eggs
1 teaspoon lemon flavoring (or strawberry, orange, cherry, etc.)
1/2 teaspoon vanilla flavoring

Mix everything together and bake in a tube pan for one hour at 325 degrees.

Easy and delicious. I usually sprinkle powdered sugar on top and dress it up with fruit. (Cherries for Cherry Jello Pound Cake, lemons for Lemon Jello Pound Cake... you get the idea.)

Surprise your family with a lemon or strawberry or orange or cherry pound cake tonight. They'll love ya for it!

I'll be back tomorrow with a Seasonal Tradition that will take less than two minutes to prepare, but will be remembered and looked forward to each year around this time.

Have a fantastic Tuesday, and I'll talk to you tomorrow.